i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
