mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
