I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
