my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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