How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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