If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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