dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
