You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
