I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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