Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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