I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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