I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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