Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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