my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
