I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
