what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
sarcasm needs its own font
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
