I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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