Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
