I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
