my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
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