i permit you to call me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
