it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
