ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
