Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
