My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
