ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
