so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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