I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
