i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
