i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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