my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
