I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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