im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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