I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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