where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
why is half of my head shaved?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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