Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
