Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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