I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
