Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
