In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
