Whatcha textin bout Willis?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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