yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
