i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
