I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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