There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
