Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
