im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
