remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
