You surviving the open bar?
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You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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