My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
