weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
