cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
