Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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